[Great. This went from avoiding him to the "Can we talk" line, which was never good. That always finished with things like "Let's avoid each other for the rest of eternity", and fuck, he wasn't exactly in the mood for that shit. This wasn't a big enough house to do that with, anyway. What else was he supposed to think when Epsilon wouldn't even look at him?]
Is this a "Can we" or a "We need to"?
[Both weren't great, and Tucker moved to the side, letting him in. There was no punch, not yet, but he did shut the door behind Epsilon, then moved to sit on the bed. Asshole. Could Epsilon stop abandoning him for one-fucking-second!?]
Shoot. Unless it's about how you're just going to keep avoiding me, then I pretty much already figured it out. So, are you moving out, or you want me to, because you can eat a dick if you think I'm leaving.
[ Epsilon hung back near the door as Tucker went and sat down on the bed. He could remember the last time he had been in here, mostly because it had been That Day. After that it hadn't felt safe to be in here alone, afraid of what could happen if he said what was really on his mind. He had been trying to keep from hurting Tucker but... listening to him talk there was no denying that damage had been done.
Fuck. ]
I don't want you to leave. What the fuck, dude? [ It felt like the air had been knocked out of him, realizing Tucker was expecting the worst out of him. What kind of asshole screwed things up this badly? ] I came here to- [ Spill his guts, ask for a second chance. Who cares? There was something else he had to say first. ]
I've been an asshole. I got freaked out and I was a prick for avoiding you instead of facing the problem. I'm sorry.
[Well, he confirmed that it was a problem. Guess that was one thing down.
But, it was fine. He didn't do relationships. He didn't do feelings. Neither one of them did, because that's what they always said. He leaned back on the bed, watching him for a second before turning his eyes away; hell, this was probably the most honest they had ever been about what they felt, and this was basically nothing so far.]
Dude, it's fine. We weren't even in control of ourselves, not really. Sorry shit got weird, but let's just blame the gods and move on. No one even has to know. It's cool.
[ Maybe this wasn't the best time to mention Carolina already knew they had fucked around with each other. Epsilon could feel that doubt clawing at his throat, pushing him to take the out that Tucker was offering him. They could go back to being friends, pretend like that night had never happened and that everything was fine.
All he had to do was agree that it was nothing but weirdness caused by the gods. Easy. Totally easy. He could sit on these feelings forever and nothing would ever change. ]
...What if I don't want to move on?
[ The words slipped out before he could talk himself out of it. Green eyes darted up to look at Tucker and. This could ruin everything, could fuck up their friendship even worse than it already was. But how much worse could it be when he had spent a stupid amount of time acting like everything was fine and hurting the person he liked? Better to fuck it up by saying something instead of being a chickenshit. ]
Tucker blinked because he was pretty sure that he hadn't heard that right. "What if I don't want to move on?" What the fuck did that mean?! He had been avoiding him for how long now? Moving on was why he was supposed to talking to him, wasn't it? That's...that's what he thought, anyway.
Tucker blinked again. Was-was Church saying that he liked him? Was Church saying he wanted to do it again? Was he--]
What?
[Because that sort of encompassed everything he was feeling at the moment.]
[ No going back now. No running away. The words were out there and he needed to finish what he started. Tucker deserved that much. Maybe if Epsilon was lucky he wouldn't be laughed right out of the fucking room.
Looking as uncomfortable as he possibly could be, Epsilon plunged ahead. ]
I don't want to move on. From what happened.
[ How the hell did people admit feelings so goddamn easy? It felt like pulling teeth and he hadn't even outright said the words he needed to say yet. ]
So...so you want to stay in it? Like weird quicksand?
[There was probably a better way to say that, but he didn't know what it was, not when his brain was repeatedly erroring in its current WTF mode. Epsilon was saying he didn't want to get over it. He was saying...he wanted to stay liking him.
At least, Tucker thought that's what he meant.]
Dude, do you know what you're saying?
[Don't. Don't fuck with him. Don't fuck with his feelings. Don't mess him up.]
Because this is the shittiest joke you've ever done.
[ Could he could a do-over? He would literally kill someone for a chance to turn back time ten minutes so he could do this right instead of tripping over his words like an idiot.
Fuck it. Fuck everything. ]
I know exactly what I'm saying, asshole. I'm saying I like you and I fucking freaked out over it because we both know I'm dead the moment this place is done with me.
[ The irony was that in trying to keep Tucker from feeling abandoned he had gone and made him feel abandoned anyways. It was stupid. ]
[This was the worst feelings conversation ever, but it seemed all too fitting in their own way. Well, shit. There was a rapid machine gun fire of emotions: surprise, a swell of his own more-than-platonic emotions, and the dread of that truthful fact. If Epsilon went home, well, it was nothing. Death. Deconstruction. It was Tucker being alone.
It was like what Drake was going through right now.
The thought of abandonment slammed into him hard, punch him in the gut. He wanted to run. He wanted to just get out of here because in the end, this asshole was going to leave him again. He would be alone.
But…but it wasn’t going to be Church’s fault this time. And this was the only shot he had.]
Then—then fuck this place. [He narrowed his eyes, shaking his head.] We won’t let it be done with you. We’ll find another way.
[ Epsilon had braced himself for the worst. For Tucker to tell him to get the fuck out. To get punched again. A thousand little things that he would have deserved for being such an asshole. Except--
His head snapped up, looking at the other man in disbelief. ]
What?
[ It shouldn't have been so surprising. None of them had ever been good at accepting the inevitable, they had defied the odds so many times that it was second nature. The desire to argue, to point out he was past his expiration date and it was only a matter of time before the universe caught on was strong but... He wanted that other way, wanted more than anything to get that chance to go home. ]
...Do you think we can pull it off? [ His voice had dropped but there was a thin cord of hope woven in there. He didn't want to give up on this, didn't want to always be bracing himself for the worst.
[Epsilon looked like how Tucker felt: unsure, surprised, with some secret hope buried in there. In truth, Tucker was surprised that these words had come from his own mouth, that he hadn't just peaced the fuck out and ran, but--it was Epsilon. It was his best friend. It was something important, felt important as he kissed him, felt lonely when he wasn't there.
Felt devastated when he had--]
Um, no, but since when has that stopped us? [Because it hadn't, not ever; they still fought forward, no matter what waited for them. They survived because of each other.
Tucker would be fucking damned if Epsilon broke that track record now. And maybe it was selfish because he needed to believe in it, too.
Losing him again, it wasn't fair. It couldn't happen.
[ Pretty much all of their ideas were stupid, it was all a matter of finding the right stupid idea that got them the result they wanted. That was how they worked and most of the time they did exactly what they set out to do.
Epsilon stayed back near the door, not quite ready to test getting closer after spilling his guts. Feeling this vulnerable, letting someone who wasn't Carolina see him unsure wasn't exactly pleasant. Even if it was Tucker. He hadn't really planned past the confession and he had no fucking idea what was supposed to happen next. Tucker hadn't rejected the whole thing but he also hadn't given him a definitive yes either. Maybe he needed space to think about it. ]
...Should I, uh, should I go? I can go if you want.
[ Just put him out of his misery. This was so fucking awkward. ]
Let him go? Let him go. Yeah. Right. They needed to process this shit, he needed to figure out what it meant, needed some space and time and --]
Um, you can stay. If you want. Fuck it.
[Fuck it. Fuck it, right? That’s sort of the motto they ran with anyway. It wasn’t like…like they were talking about getting married; this was two friends being able to fuck, too. Sure. That… that was good. That he could do.]
[ Fuck it. If Tucker wasn't kicking him out that was probably a good sign, right? And honestly... he didn't want to go. Even though they lived in the same house Epsilon had missed Tucker. ]
Yeah, sure.
[ Epsilon killed the lights before taking a few steps across the room, the furthest into Tucker's room he'd been since the initial incident. Darker was better, he didn't have to worry about eye contact or whether he looked stupid. ]
[It was weird, but that's because Epsilon was making it weird. Tucker made a face, rolling his eyes in the dark before he sighed.]
Since when do you ask?
[Because that wasn't what they did; they didn't ask. They just did shit around each other, barged in, made jokes, and snarked for as long as they could. This felt strained, like Church was trying to reevaluate their roles, or...trying to impress Tucker?
Tucker didn't know. He did know that he curled a hand behind what he hoped was Church's neck, though, and pulled him in for a kiss.
Since I realized I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
[ It wasn't like he'd ever did anything like this when he was in his right mind. This was brand new territory for him, trying to figure out what was okay all over again.
When that hand pulled him in he went, glad for an excuse to stop talking. This... this he could do. Epsilon moved closer as he did his best to stop thinking so goddamn much. That was what got them all fucked up to begin with.
Kissing Tucker again after so long felt good, felt amazing and god why had he been so stupid about this for so long? ]
[Because Epsilon was stupid. So was Tucker, though, so it worked out in its own way; everyone from their team was stupid. Tucker's full idiocy hadn't been displayed yet, probably wouldn't be just yet as he still thought this was a friends with benefits thing, not completely realizing the full complications of what was happening.
Relationships...weren't his forte.
But right now, he was just happy to kiss Epsilon, to get him to shut up and stop making things so fucking weird. Kiss him and get that computer brain to shut off. Kiss him and remind himself that this felt good even without the gods meddling in their shit, their feelings, their thoughts. This...this was theirs.
Tucker just wanted to make sure this was for him, to savor this moment and hold onto Church so he couldn't disappear again.
[ Disappearing was not on the agenda, not when he had finally gotten the words out there and stopped letting them build up inside him. This kiss was all them, no outside influences and that made it even better. It was their choice instead of a fucking joke.
He got less tentative by the moment, his hands sliding up to cradle Tucker's face. At some point he ended up on the bed with Tucker, straddling one of his legs in that driving need to get closer to him. When he finally drew back, his breath short and eyes half lidded, he couldn't help grinning at him. ]
[God, this was weird and weirdly right at the same time. He was kissing his best friend, but his best friend was someone...
...was important.
He smiled a little, grabbing on to Church and tugging him down. This wasn't Alpha, and those moments together in the canon didn't exist for them; this was a guy with a laser face. This was a shimmering asshole who could do more math in a single second that most could their entire lives. This was the jerk who died to save all of them, even if Tucker didn't agree with it.]
...hey, cockbite.
[Tucker kissed him harder than before, his fingers in his hair as he thought about all the obnoxious bullshit Epsilon did to him on a daily basis. He thought about about how he wished that it, and this, didn't stop.]
[ It said something about them that hearing that insult, that stupid insult that they threw at each other all the time made him feel so much better after all the time apart. If they could still be dicks to each other even when they were making out then they were alright.
This didn't need to be something new and uncomfortable. They could be two dudes who kissed sometimes.
Or all the time. All the time worked for him, too.
When Tucker pulled him in he went, opening up to let him in without a second thought. This was Tucker, his best friend and honestly one of the few people in the universe he trusted. Maybe someday this would end up hurting but for the first time in a long time Epsilon was willing to let himself hope that things might work out. ]
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lovernotafighter) wrote2022-03-04 03:30 pm
no subject
Is this a "Can we" or a "We need to"?
[Both weren't great, and Tucker moved to the side, letting him in. There was no punch, not yet, but he did shut the door behind Epsilon, then moved to sit on the bed. Asshole. Could Epsilon stop abandoning him for one-fucking-second!?]
Shoot. Unless it's about how you're just going to keep avoiding me, then I pretty much already figured it out. So, are you moving out, or you want me to, because you can eat a dick if you think I'm leaving.
no subject
Fuck. ]
I don't want you to leave. What the fuck, dude? [ It felt like the air had been knocked out of him, realizing Tucker was expecting the worst out of him. What kind of asshole screwed things up this badly? ] I came here to- [ Spill his guts, ask for a second chance. Who cares? There was something else he had to say first. ]
I've been an asshole. I got freaked out and I was a prick for avoiding you instead of facing the problem. I'm sorry.
no subject
But, it was fine. He didn't do relationships. He didn't do feelings. Neither one of them did, because that's what they always said. He leaned back on the bed, watching him for a second before turning his eyes away; hell, this was probably the most honest they had ever been about what they felt, and this was basically nothing so far.]
Dude, it's fine. We weren't even in control of ourselves, not really. Sorry shit got weird, but let's just blame the gods and move on. No one even has to know. It's cool.
no subject
All he had to do was agree that it was nothing but weirdness caused by the gods. Easy. Totally easy. He could sit on these feelings forever and nothing would ever change. ]
...What if I don't want to move on?
[ The words slipped out before he could talk himself out of it. Green eyes darted up to look at Tucker and. This could ruin everything, could fuck up their friendship even worse than it already was. But how much worse could it be when he had spent a stupid amount of time acting like everything was fine and hurting the person he liked? Better to fuck it up by saying something instead of being a chickenshit. ]
no subject
Tucker blinked because he was pretty sure that he hadn't heard that right. "What if I don't want to move on?" What the fuck did that mean?! He had been avoiding him for how long now? Moving on was why he was supposed to talking to him, wasn't it? That's...that's what he thought, anyway.
Tucker blinked again. Was-was Church saying that he liked him? Was Church saying he wanted to do it again? Was he--]
What?
[Because that sort of encompassed everything he was feeling at the moment.]
no subject
Looking as uncomfortable as he possibly could be, Epsilon plunged ahead. ]
I don't want to move on. From what happened.
[ How the hell did people admit feelings so goddamn easy? It felt like pulling teeth and he hadn't even outright said the words he needed to say yet. ]
no subject
[There was probably a better way to say that, but he didn't know what it was, not when his brain was repeatedly erroring in its current WTF mode. Epsilon was saying he didn't want to get over it. He was saying...he wanted to stay liking him.
At least, Tucker thought that's what he meant.]
Dude, do you know what you're saying?
[Don't. Don't fuck with him. Don't fuck with his feelings. Don't mess him up.]
Because this is the shittiest joke you've ever done.
no subject
[ Could he could a do-over? He would literally kill someone for a chance to turn back time ten minutes so he could do this right instead of tripping over his words like an idiot.
Fuck it. Fuck everything. ]
I know exactly what I'm saying, asshole. I'm saying I like you and I fucking freaked out over it because we both know I'm dead the moment this place is done with me.
[ The irony was that in trying to keep Tucker from feeling abandoned he had gone and made him feel abandoned anyways. It was stupid. ]
no subject
It was like what Drake was going through right now.
The thought of abandonment slammed into him hard, punch him in the gut. He wanted to run. He wanted to just get out of here because in the end, this asshole was going to leave him again. He would be alone.
But…but it wasn’t going to be Church’s fault this time. And this was the only shot he had.]
Then—then fuck this place. [He narrowed his eyes, shaking his head.] We won’t let it be done with you. We’ll find another way.
no subject
His head snapped up, looking at the other man in disbelief. ]
What?
[ It shouldn't have been so surprising. None of them had ever been good at accepting the inevitable, they had defied the odds so many times that it was second nature. The desire to argue, to point out he was past his expiration date and it was only a matter of time before the universe caught on was strong but... He wanted that other way, wanted more than anything to get that chance to go home. ]
...Do you think we can pull it off? [ His voice had dropped but there was a thin cord of hope woven in there. He didn't want to give up on this, didn't want to always be bracing himself for the worst.
He wanted to believe this could work. ]
no subject
Felt devastated when he had--]
Um, no, but since when has that stopped us? [Because it hadn't, not ever; they still fought forward, no matter what waited for them. They survived because of each other.
Tucker would be fucking damned if Epsilon broke that track record now. And maybe it was selfish because he needed to believe in it, too.
Losing him again, it wasn't fair. It couldn't happen.
He wouldn't let it.]
I mean, we've had dumber ideas.
no subject
[ Pretty much all of their ideas were stupid, it was all a matter of finding the right stupid idea that got them the result they wanted. That was how they worked and most of the time they did exactly what they set out to do.
Epsilon stayed back near the door, not quite ready to test getting closer after spilling his guts. Feeling this vulnerable, letting someone who wasn't Carolina see him unsure wasn't exactly pleasant. Even if it was Tucker. He hadn't really planned past the confession and he had no fucking idea what was supposed to happen next. Tucker hadn't rejected the whole thing but he also hadn't given him a definitive yes either. Maybe he needed space to think about it. ]
...Should I, uh, should I go? I can go if you want.
[ Just put him out of his misery. This was so fucking awkward. ]
no subject
Let him go? Let him go. Yeah. Right. They needed to process this shit, he needed to figure out what it meant, needed some space and time and --]
Um, you can stay. If you want. Fuck it.
[Fuck it. Fuck it, right? That’s sort of the motto they ran with anyway. It wasn’t like…like they were talking about getting married; this was two friends being able to fuck, too. Sure. That… that was good. That he could do.]
Want to kill the lights?
no subject
Yeah, sure.
[ Epsilon killed the lights before taking a few steps across the room, the furthest into Tucker's room he'd been since the initial incident. Darker was better, he didn't have to worry about eye contact or whether he looked stupid. ]
Mind if I sit?
no subject
Since when do you ask?
[Because that wasn't what they did; they didn't ask. They just did shit around each other, barged in, made jokes, and snarked for as long as they could. This felt strained, like Church was trying to reevaluate their roles, or...trying to impress Tucker?
Tucker didn't know. He did know that he curled a hand behind what he hoped was Church's neck, though, and pulled him in for a kiss.
Let's...let's start with that.]
no subject
[ It wasn't like he'd ever did anything like this when he was in his right mind. This was brand new territory for him, trying to figure out what was okay all over again.
When that hand pulled him in he went, glad for an excuse to stop talking. This... this he could do. Epsilon moved closer as he did his best to stop thinking so goddamn much. That was what got them all fucked up to begin with.
Kissing Tucker again after so long felt good, felt amazing and god why had he been so stupid about this for so long? ]
no subject
Relationships...weren't his forte.
But right now, he was just happy to kiss Epsilon, to get him to shut up and stop making things so fucking weird. Kiss him and get that computer brain to shut off. Kiss him and remind himself that this felt good even without the gods meddling in their shit, their feelings, their thoughts. This...this was theirs.
Tucker just wanted to make sure this was for him, to savor this moment and hold onto Church so he couldn't disappear again.
And for right now? It worked.]
no subject
He got less tentative by the moment, his hands sliding up to cradle Tucker's face. At some point he ended up on the bed with Tucker, straddling one of his legs in that driving need to get closer to him. When he finally drew back, his breath short and eyes half lidded, he couldn't help grinning at him. ]
...Hey.
no subject
...was important.
He smiled a little, grabbing on to Church and tugging him down. This wasn't Alpha, and those moments together in the canon didn't exist for them; this was a guy with a laser face. This was a shimmering asshole who could do more math in a single second that most could their entire lives. This was the jerk who died to save all of them, even if Tucker didn't agree with it.]
...hey, cockbite.
[Tucker kissed him harder than before, his fingers in his hair as he thought about all the obnoxious bullshit Epsilon did to him on a daily basis. He thought about about how he wished that it, and this, didn't stop.]
no subject
This didn't need to be something new and uncomfortable. They could be two dudes who kissed sometimes.
Or all the time. All the time worked for him, too.
When Tucker pulled him in he went, opening up to let him in without a second thought. This was Tucker, his best friend and honestly one of the few people in the universe he trusted. Maybe someday this would end up hurting but for the first time in a long time Epsilon was willing to let himself hope that things might work out. ]